


Wishing Where Not A Soul Can See

by jaspers_horns



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Yellow needs a hug, don't worry she'll get one, several actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 03:56:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20108776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaspers_horns/pseuds/jaspers_horns
Summary: Pink Diamond is dead. Pink is dead and it's all Yellow's fault. Yellow Diamond's initial reaction to the news of Pink's death.





	Wishing Where Not A Soul Can See

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Im just here to say sorry in advance if its a bit sloppy and weird. I've edited (and am still editing) a few parts that I wasn't too fond of anymore or parts I felt were poorly worded. A few of these edited sections bring up topics not previously mentioned in the original version; I just want to be sure it still reads smoothly and doesn't confuse anyone. Feedback is always appreciated! (This title may also be temporary. Suggestions?)
> 
> Alright. You may read on.

"Pearl, would you cancel, say, everything I've got for the next three hours?"

"Of course, my Diamond."

Yellow nodded slightly in thanks. She wouldn't normally thank a servant, but the simple, routine action of clearing her schedule suddenly felt like Pearl had spared her from seemingly infinite torture. She needed this break more than anything right now.

The Pearl opened the door for her diamond, and sprung back to her heels, trying to follow her in.

"I'd prefer you wait outside the door."

"Sure thing, my Diamond!" As her Diamond walked into her private chambers, the Pearl silently huffed. What was so important that the luminous Yellow Diamond needed complete solitude? She was always by her diamond's side; had she done something wrong maybe?

No, she thought, that's ridiculous! Yellow Diamond's Pearl was the best Pearl around, even better than Blue's or Pink's; dare she say White's? How annoying! But still, she stood with her hands together, looking pretty and patient, listening closely for anything. Something was wrong, it seemed. Her diamond acted with a somewhat unusual sense of urgency, breathing hard and walking faster than her Pearl could keep up with. She'd walked out of the meeting having dissipated the Citrine's form; Pearl hoped she'd suffer for whatever she said. She'd just have to wait and see, she supposed.

Yellow was quite oblivious to her Pearl's curiosity, as usual. Instead, she focused on the overwhelming sense of hatred that was quickly enveloping her mind. Hatred for herself, hatred for Rose Quartz. She took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. She didn't want to close her eyes; every time she did, she saw pink. The outline of shards.

You deserve to suffer.

She couldn't help but agree with the self-depreciating thoughts whirring through her head. She had given in and gave that worthless little planet to Pink. Because of this, the actions of the Rose Quartz created there were her fault, too. She deserved this splitting headache; she deserved the strange feeling she couldn't shake. A combination of sadness, hopelessness, anger, regret, which combined to create... nothing. It was her responsibility to deal with the grief she had caused Blue and even Pink's displaced court. But feeling sorry for herself and others didn't leave much time for what really mattered.

She slowly made her way to the throne in the corner of the room and pulled up a screen. Her considerate Pearl had cleared more schedule than she was instructed to, unless there was nothing in those spots at all. She couldn't tell. She had been wasting too much time these days on Blue and… her. Either way, she was now in the process of wasting four hours. Four hours she didn't have to waste in the eternity of work she'd have to complete. She didn't feel like it was the best time to go crawling to Blue, and she knew that White would only insist they'd just have to make do without Pink and send her on her way. She couldn't let White know, of all gems, about any free time she might have, anyway. She knew she shouldn't attempt to type out new orders when she could barely think straight. She was out of options. She regretted it now, wishing she could be on a call with her Nephrites right now. Something else to think about.

She let out a little annoyed groan, trying to massage away the pain in her head. It wouldn't work anyway, but she didn't know what else to do. She felt already like she was losing her mind, idling at such an important time. White would surely give her a piece of her mind if she ever found out about this, if she was even willing to speak to her anymore. If Yellow could choose, she wouldn't want to listen to her own excuses, nonetheless spout them out to her harsh superior.

Unfortunately, without the normal distraction, she couldn't think about anything but the words that she had heard shortly before now.

"My Diamond, Pink Diamond has been shattered by Rose Quartz."

She stared down at her feet, her breathing going funny. The words echoed in her head like cave walls. Her vision blurred. She hugged herself tightly in an unsuccessful attempt to get rid of this horrible feeling, and glanced over at her bed, the bed she'd never used or even requested; it was just… kinda there. Just for when she needed to relax, she supposed.

Relax.

She allowed herself to get comfortable, wrapped herself in the huge comforter, and stared at the golden canopy above her.

She yearned for Blue's soft touch or the concerned voice of one of her soldiers. Suddenly, this almost-empty room felt like the loneliest place in the universe; sure, she could just leave at any given moment, but... she just couldn't. She wasn't willing to fall apart outside of these walls, embarrass herself like that. Perhaps one could say it felt like that damned tower the recently departed diamond had so many times been banished to. Which led to a series of important questions: did Pink Diamond die happy?

Could it have been... that Pink wanted it this way?

Had she and Blue and White driven Pink to accept and even appreciate the end of her own life?

With pesky, regretful thoughts like these worming their way into her head, Yellow stopped trying to enjoy the solitude. Even knowing her Pearl was waiting for her outside of the door, she felt completely alone in the universe. It was emotionally overwhelming, made worse by the constantly recurring realization that Pink was really gone. There wasn't a single being that understood her pain, not even her. She'd done something unspeakable. By giving in to Pink's demands, she had killed her. She deserved the same fate.

She rolled onto her belly, holding a fluffy pillow tight to her face as tears trickled out of her eyes. This was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Yet here she was, ashamed of herself and her weakness as she wept.

Meanwhile, Yellow's Pearl stood baffled and confused outside of her room. Not once had her diamond been reduced to tears like this. What had that Citrine said to her to make her cry? She lowered her head, thinking she might as well pretend she knows what's going on if someone were to show up. Her heart sank when she heard her diamond's distraught voice. "Pearl, please go elsewhere. A-anywhere else..."

Yellow felt highly uncomfortable wondering if anyone could hear her, even if it was just her Pearl. She had to be strong, or rather appear strong to her subjects and even her fellow diamonds, especially now in a time of mass despair and confusion. The strong did not weep in the presence of others.

"Y-yes, my Diamond..." The Pearl walked down the long corridor leading to Yellow's private room, waiting at the edge. The sympathy she held for her beloved diamond overrode the relief of no longer having to listen to her pitiful sobbing.

"Oh Pink..." She held the pillow quite tightly, trying to find comfort that it didn't quite offer. She wanted her to burst through that door, burst through that door and wonder what was wrong. Pink would climb up to Yellow and pester her until she could reach to wipe her tears away and ask what was bothering her. Yellow would take one look at her and hold back a scream of relief, of pure joy; she'd stroke her hair with her fingers and ramble on about every little thing she loved about her. Pink would smile as tears grew in her eyes and tease Yellow about being soft. And Yellow wouldn't mind one bit. But, such as fate, nobody came to check why she had suddenly canceled some potentially important meetings, or how she was taking the news.

The only shoulder she knew would always be there to cry on was her own, not that she deserved any other.

At least she had her pillows, so she cried into them instead. It seemed like forever before someone softly knocked at her door. "Yellow?" 

Her grip on the pillow tightened when she heard Blue's voice; she was awfully close to ripping the fabric at this point. She released a muffled hiccup, torn as to whether she wanted her to leave or stay with her.

"A-are you okay? Your Pearl told me that you have been crying..."

"I-I'm fine," she mumbled. She knew that Pearl of hers was at no fault, though it was hard to accept, seeing as how she'd just blown her whole cover in an instant.

"Then I am sure you will not mind if I come in."

The intruder proceeded to let herself in and sat on the edge of the bed, laying her hand gently onto Yellow's head. "Yellow, you're not fine. I've never seen you cry before, not once. You're not fooling anyone, especially me."

"I usually come here to be alone, Blue... I don't appreciate you assuming it's just fine to barge in whenever you feel like it."

"Of course you don't, but I think you need someone, don't you? It must be awfully lonely in here, with your poor Pearl all the way down the hall. She is awfully worried about you, you know." Blue hands played with messy golden hair until its owner finally shifted onto her side and looked up at Blue with teary amber eyes.

"Maybe you're right, Blue," Yellow mumbled, " But I'd never have wanted the person I need most to see me like this." Her breath hitched. "She can't be here no matter how much I want her to be. Not now, not… not ever."

Blue couldn't quite come up with something to say and make Yellow feel better; she simply sighed as her hand gravitated toward her back, the other continuing to stroke her hair as she lost her composure and sobbed into her arms. "There Yellow, let it all out of your system. I will not judge," she told her as her hand rubbed soothing circles into the crying gem's back.

"I can't believe I let this happen," Yellow weakly uttered between broken sobs and hiccups, "How could I let that 'stupid little rebellion' murder a diamond!?"

"Oh Yellow… it was the rebels' fault, Rose Quartz' fault, not yours in any way." Blue's fingers tightened into fists as hatred and grief seeped into her voice. "We're going to make her pay for what she's done; we must, for Pink…" Tears slithered down her cheeks as she continued to watch Yellow sob, the jerk of her shoulders and the heaving of her chest growing more violent. She cried out the name over and over again of someone who would never respond. It broke Blue's heart and made her cry along with her.

They never noticed Yellow's Pearl entering and immediately leaving, bewildered and not about to tell them duty called.

It was like this for such a long while, perhaps days. Eventually, Yellow had to bring herself to chase Blue away and get back to her life.

Nobody would ever get to see her cry again for a very long time.


End file.
